A Dog's Guide to Human Ownership.
So.. you're thinking about getting yourself a human are you? First of all you need to ask yourself a few questions..
1. Will you be around most of the day? Humans require a lot of companionship, or at the least a mirror so they think they have company.
2. Are you particularly houseproud? Be aware that many human's have strange ideas about how a bed should look.
3. Do you have the time to commit to exercising your Human's mind and body? There are cases where human's have actually turned into potatoes, in a condition known as "couch potato"
4. Are you willing to wake up in the night? Your human may need to be taken out into the garden in the first few weeks to relieve themselves.
If you can answer yes to all of these then perhaps you are ready to own a human.
Human's do not make their beds like this.
So what should you look for when selecting a human?
Human's come in lots of different styles. However, there are certain qualities that are a must. Kindness and consistency are excellent qualities, also bear in mind that malleability is important too.
Those offering luxurious living conditions are clearly a good choice, as are those that come with a live in chef and vet nurse.
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| A comfortable, kind human (who gives good fusses) |
Appearance can be an issue. You need to ensure that you will not be embarrassed by your human in public. However, please note that your human's appearance can be improved by you. A little mud here, a dog hair there, and voilà, a human to be proud of.
When you spot a human you like, be sure to look at them and tilt your head to one side. This gesture can soften even the grumpiest humans, so never forget this simple training technique.
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| redambiegreen from Twitter demonstrating perfectly. |
Taking them home for the first time can be stressful.. Be sure to make your human realise that the furniture is in fact yours and not theirs. Your bed, your sofa, your cushions etc. Problems can occur when there are disagreements over who sits where. You may prefer your human to sit on the floor. Be sure to remind them often that the floor is still yours.
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| Is my chair. Is no room for you. |
Sleeping arrangements can be tricky. Some dogs are happy for their human to have the bed to themselves. Others allow the human minimal space on the bed. A comprimise between the two is that one of you sleeps on the floor and the other on the bed. You can choose to alternate who sleeps where although a human that is allowed to do as it pleases may suffer with dominance issues later.
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| My bed. Not my choice of sheets though. |
Humans will at some point complain about your bodily functions, or general aroma. Be aware that this can lead to unexpected bathing. You will of course have to put up with some of the vile smells your human will make with perfumes, deodorants, bubble baths etc. You are not supposed to complain about these to your human, though I do suggest you get them into a muddy field as soon as possible to get them back to smelling how they should.
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| Make sure you give them the eye so they know they have to give you cuddles after. |
The good news is most humans are easy to train. For example, when a human is trying to get you to take a tablet, you should ideally hold off from accepting the tablet until it is wrapped in something tasty. Cheese is acceptable, as it chicken though some say you should aim for steak!
Your human will also want to play some games with you. You are more than entitled to think that if a human has thrown a toy away this means they do not want it. However, if you choose to tidy up after your human (in some areas, this is law) you may bring the ball back to them. However, a human is a creature of habit and they will more than likely throw the toy again.
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| Human's may throw your toys into water too! |
Humans can be quite slow on walks. This is mainly due to them only having two legs. They will sometimes reward you for walking nicely next to them, although be aware this means it will take you much longer to reach your destination!
It should also be noted that your human may do many things to you which they consider "cute". It can be worth humouring them, particularly if it results in you receiving high quality noms.
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| Charshy_pup, complete with ear decorations. |
A human can live for many, many, many dog years. They are a big commitment, but they can enrich your life so much.. and let's face it, dog food is tricky to open!
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| What... AGAIN!?? |
(This blog would not have been the same without the input from a few folks on Twitter - @urbangundog, @Alfie_BT, @3phibotticelli, @Baxter_man, @cernydog, @Gemmathepuppy @Charshy_pup @redambiegreen and @shortforkate I thoroughly recommend any of them for you to follow!)
